I just recently attended a memorial service mass for a family member. Being a lapsed catholic (almost 20 years since I truly participated in a mass), it wasn't that much different. Did SOME homework ahead of time, and noticed a few different responses than I remembered? Still didn't quite catch what folks/parishioners were saying in response. Catholics have a special mumbling chant and muscle memory. Regardless, the service was beautiful. The songs were emotionally provoking and I KNEW them!!
The last 20 years or so, spiritually, have been a typical roller coaster. For many years, I did not claim to belong to a church/group/denomination. I had been influenced by a romantic partner to just be an atheist, and they gave good reasons. I still went along with holidays as they were still fun and mostly commercialized. Holidays gave a reason for enjoying the season, so to speak.
After that relationship ended, I remained in a limbo of spirituality. Was greeted kindly by some Jehovah's Witnesses in a neighborhood, and I never forgot that. Jump to a couple of years later, I "fell in love" with a person who did not alert me to their religious affiliation, but they went "to church." Only after we were intimate, did I find out they were a Jehovah's Witness, just disfellowshipped. Such a moment of confusion. Hindsight, I should have run away. This was during a difficult time for both of us. I should have enjoyed the shared moments and just moved ahead to the next part of life.
That did not happen. Due to whatever undiagnosed traumas along with ADHD and potentially masked autism (females usually are not diagnosed because we try so hard to fit in based on our abilities to thrive in life), I tried to stick it out with this person. Growing up, I believed that I HAD to have a life partner and I was trying so hard to be a "good" person. So, we started a "bible study' with each other. They were my teacher for now. Eventually, against all the rules of JW.org for a standup relationship, we moved in together. While still intimate and going through tough moments in our own families (our parents and their children), they considered me a friend. That meant they could stay on the dating websites while I was being loyal to us and FAR TOO devout.
Jump ahead after the family deaths of our parents (an unknown betrayal to our engagement) and my miscarriage: we married. I was hoping and praying that they would come to their senses and snap out of their addictive behaviors because MARRIAGE was a magical cure that GOD would bless and make everything better??? Yeah, so, that didn't happen.
In my moments of vulnerability, I realized that most negatively, people will suck you in and leach off of you under the guise of RELIGION and the need to have POWER over you. This includes our family members. Because of my undiagnosed issues, I was unaware of my own need to feel part of a community, and maybe just be normal. Due to unforeseen (or slightly foreseen, being honest) dynamic circumstances, we DIVORCED. I did NOT become a baptized JW, either. I woke up to the world again after divorce—Eye-opening, traumatizing moments that caused me such despair and growth.
Bringing me back to the memorial service, growing up catholic. It felt like home, sort of. Be grateful for being aware of my world and take care of myself. Don't get caught up in the chaos of life if you can, and just be as simple as possible.
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